feelings - turmoil, how to cope & overcome

My father passed away on July 4th 2008, my mother passed away October 29th 2009 and then my husband passed away three months later, on 16th January 2010. The last time I saw my father often come to my mind, I knew he was really ill, the trip was purposely to spend some time with him. After packing my suitcase, I went to his room, sat on the floor and put my head in his lap, and he put his hand on my shoulder, we both knew but did not want to verbalize our feelings, oh how I loved my dad…..

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My mum – when I think of how my mum passed away I used to get really angry with God, why, your beloved Anne, why should she have suffered so much pain? Mum and God had a very special relationship so what was this? When I think of her I remember her words to me – I don’t want to live without your dad, I will wait for a year and give him the best anniversary of his passing and then Dora, I am not interested. I wasn’t shocked because they were so very close. And she did just that, one year and 3 months later she was gone.

So when dad passed, I felt at least mum is here, the she passed, and I said to myself – Kenny would be the head of the family, he is level headed and he would be there for us all. How was I to know that 3 months after my mother passed my beloved Kenny would also leave us? That was the worst! So God tell me, I said many times,, so who shall I mourn? So this began my journey of widowhood at the age of 49. Mum was not there to comfort me, I lived far away from my best friends and sibings. So I wrapped up all my grief and put it into a box and put it on a very high shelf.i cant deal with I went into auto pilot – working, I could not even get myself to sort out his things, I left them exactly where they were, deep inside me I thought maybe he would come back….a friend of his who was not able to bury him said to me – I feel that he is just stuck at the airport, he will come home just now.” So life seemed suspended. I consider myself a very practical person. When something needs to be done, don’t cloud it with emotions, just get on with it, and that is what saved me I threw myself into my work, firstly because I had to ensure money kept coming in for education – and then I didn’t want to spend any waking moment which would let me thoughts drift to thinking of my new situation, I didn’t want the pain of dad and mum to also take over.

The most common way that those who have lost a loved one – is that life is so unpredictable. Whether they have suffered a divorce or lost a loved one, that is what we all say. We realise that we are not in control, and can never be, in control of life. This was something that you can’t plan very well for, predict will happen. It dawns on you as you mourn that we don’t choose how we will die, or live after a divorce. Both events throw us off track, it attacks your very innermost personal being. Its similar because you feel as if you have to start everything all over again. When my friends ask me how I am, I tell them, I am ok but I feel as though I was living life one minute – as if I had a warm comfy blanket wrapped tightly around me. His death made me feel as if that lovely blanket was ripped off me and left me exposed, my balance removed,

by the time I got to her, she was not speaking anymore, she was in a lot of pain

The words that I heard from a poet were these “You cannot integrate with life anymore” (name… 29th May) and they really describe the way that I felt

You have to shop, dash dash…. And out. The internal turmoil – became unfunctional. Lost a stone and a half. Janet Edwards on losing her step dad. Had to take medication. Doctor never seen such depth of grief.take this medication and don’t stop it. Was it addictive. Did she need this in the midst of her grief? 2 hours on Sunday and 2 hours on Thursday at church. Panic attack. But she is a strong black Christian woman.

Training now to be a counsellor. We don’t want to reach out, don’t air your dirty laundry in public. We must look after our mental health. Nothing to be ashamed of. Don’t cacoon ourselves

I found it difficult to watch normal movies. I wondered why so many were romance, comedy, etc so I stayed away from those because it would just bring the tears rolling down my face uncontrollably. My sons always wondered why I watched mystery, crime, documentaries and thrillers. That was for a couple of reasons. The main one being that it made the hours fly by, they were so intense that I could lose myself in them from the beginning right to the end. I would watch 2 in a row. In covid times I would even watch 3 straight. But on Saturday 30th june 2010 I decided to confess to my oldest son. I told him why. So even though this week had been a marvellous one where I felt uplifted and in the place I have been craving to be for years. One then 2 movies brought my right down all over again. The devil is a liar. He will not and has not stolen my joy. I think I will have to go back to my mysteries and thrillers because obviously I am not ready for the soapy love and romance yet.

I found that I needed some distractions. When I was not working, mentoring other women to be the best versions of themselves, what was I doing myself to live my best version of myself? Watching the TV didn’t work very well, so that is how I began to watch YouTube! I could switch to a different topic when I felt I was not connecting. It was crazy, I learnt how to apply make-up on YouTube! Then it was about fashion, then how to draw (I was an avid watcher of Portrait Artist of the Year!). The skills I have gained have been quite a thrill for me. Now I am learning excel (properly). Find what you have always wanted to do and just hop on and enjoy….

one day at a time!

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